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When it comes to facial hair, confidence is key. Wear a beard with style and conviction and you’ll have women falling at your feet like bees to honey, but with the ever increasing rise of the bearded heartthrob, it would seem that it’s now more important than ever to get your facial hairstyles down pat. Facial hair styles how to.

Most women (myself included) will tell you that the lumberjack-esque beard and bun is about as sexy as it gets, but do we really want to date these men? Well, stubble rash and East London bar-man connotations aside, probably not. Poster boy for the Jesus-chic beard, Jared Leto, last week shocked the internet with his new clean-shaven look and Malfoy blonde locks, and so surely others will follow suit. With that in mind, we bring you 5 facial hairstyles that women hate…

How you can possibly think that letting something adorn your face which has its own ridiculous nickname – muttonchops – can be anything other than a woman repeller is beyond us. Like two furry cheek curtains or ugly extensions of your hair, this is certainly not what women want. Elvis may have added some distinction to this otherwise outrageous face fur, but that was then and this is now.

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Unless you’re lucky enough to look more akin to Brad Pitt in Fight Club than a teenage drug peddler, this probably isn’t the look for you. Apart from the glaringly obvious fact that it elongates your face (and not in a good way), it’s just plain weird.

All this style of facial hair needs is a Hawaiian shirt, a novelty coconut cocktail and Wham! playing in the background for the completed 80s re-run tragedy. Only Tom Selleck manages to add some level of glory to this otherwise ridiculous look. We’re telling you because we care about you, the bushy moustache should have been left in the 80s, along with the Hawaiian shirts, Dad dancing and Wham! records.

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Opinions have been divided on this one. I’m of the mindset that this is quite clearly worse than the bushy moustache, but my female colleagues disagree – either way, it’s got to go gents. Jean DuJardin may have pulled it off in The Artist, but he’s French and, well, the French are just better at these things. You, however? Well, you look more akin to the psychopathic love child of Steve Buscemi and John Walters, and unless you manage to find a girl who is turned on by terror, then you’re better off picking up that razor and taking the whole lot off.

We can all appreciate that you may not have time to fully maintain your beard, but if this is the case then maybe you need to rethink whether this look is even for you. A badly managed (either too wispy or too overgrown) beard makes you look haggard – look at Leo, his overgrown forest of fuzz took him from heartthrob to creepy old uncle in moments. So, unless you’re trying to scare away more girls than you can even speak to, a trip to a barber might just be on the cards.

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