Hmm, there’s something familiar about “lumbersexuals,” I thought, scanning the facile breakdowns of this supposedly new smoking-hot male subset. Best arab beard styles.
In a flash it was obvious. Straight people have discovered, and co-opted, the gay “bear” and “cub.” Of course they have, just as gays co-opted the look once from lumberjacks and rural workmen. It was only a matter of time that the wheel turned its full revolution.
First, straights came for the smooth, pretty gay look recustomized as “the metrosexual,” and now you have come for our hairier brethren. What else would you like? What else can we give you? You’ve taken it all. All our cutting asides and repartee, design expertise, gym dedication, fitted shirts, food knowledge, high and low culture snarking, gift-buying nous, and our smarts (“She’s such a drama queen”)—straight culture has gobbled gay culture as ravenously as Cookie Monster atomizes baked dough.
It’s fine, we’ll take the compliment, even if we are baffled that you’re now wanting a slice of performing and playing with masculinity, given the amount of homophobia and legislative discrimination you have put in our way. All that gay fear you’ve labored under and battered us with, all that crap about what men should be, and now, with the lumbersexual, the metrosexual, the use of camp, and so much more, you’ve not only come over to our side, you want in on the joke.
And lumberjacks, well, you should have really trademarked your look.
The lumbersexual is beards and flannel shirts, the opposite of the waxed chest, sculpted muscles, empathetic male cyborg of a few years ago: the straight man who was “gay” apart from where he chose to place his penis. He knew all about cilantro and the best facial cleanses, but in bed and on the kitchen table he was all about the ladies.
Gay men bequeathed straights the metrosexual—truly, the word was the invention of a gay author, Mark Simpson —and thought that would be enough. But no: “the lumbersexual” is the metrosexual’s equally pantomimic flipside. His beard is so thick it can sweep floors. His flannel shirts are thick. He looks unkempt. The beard, in fact, can be short or totally out of control. The message of the “lumbersexual” is: I am earthy. I am earth. I care more about chopping trees down than buying you that Yohji Yamamoto blouse as a surprise.
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Despite all the breathless style magazine articles, the lumbersexual is less a new desirable heterosexual model, but an acknowledgment that heterosexuality is a performance and jape. Everybody, even those in flannel shirts and Abe Lincoln whiskers, knows the lumbersexual wants proper coffee more than he wants to chop down a tree. Before a lumbersexual picked up an axe he’d consult his back doctor.
Beards and moustaches were customized as sexy by gay clones and bears years ago—they were just two demographics within a gay demographic that helped people into that kind of look shortcut conversations about sexual likes and dislikes. Gays observe hetero-excitement over the lumbersexual with a weary eyeroll. Been there, done that more interestingly.
Now beards are ubiquitous, like masculine knotweed, wrapping themselves around any bloke-face they can find, and adding to the general confusion on the streets of not just sexual identity, but more profound questions, like why on earth the data programmer from White Plains wants to look like a Newfoundland logger.
You used to suspect the bearded of being lazy or feckless. Now the clean-shaven look suspicious. Patrick Bateman was clean-shaven, and look at how he spent his evenings.
But the rough-looking, dependably butch lumbersexual, despite his honest-guy uniform, is a drag queen, just as we all are. On go our costumes every day, and so it especially is with those whose uniform is dedicated to looking like they care least of all what they look like. The lumbersexual is the biggest drag queen of them all.
DoomFarmer - You mad at me, brehs?
If it gets you the strange you seek, all the power.
The funny part is, I've had a beard for most of 17 years since I was 19-ish, and until recently all my female friends would just tell me how it was holding me back from getting more. Now it's not big enough to get ANY!
I'm married so it isn't that at all.
Mostly just because fuck shaving and it hides my developing double chin that seems to be getting worse.
Hey that I get, that's why I started one 17 years ago, and just kept it trim to not look like a Crust Punk who are part of the extended group of friends and most of us don't like. The cyclical nature women are with it is utterly ridiculous though.
The thug pitbull owner I had an encounter with a couple of months ago has one that looks kind of like this except a little bigger.
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One of the first guys I saw with one was James Harden a few years ago in the NBA, then it started to spread like wildfire.
WOmen are funny, it can't feel good whatsoever (at least the vast majority I've been with would rather it not be there) but will seek guys with the biggest ones during this cycle of the fad.
LOL the Lumbersexual thing, and I hate using this term, is basically like tattooing "BETA MALE AND PROUD" on your forehead.
The beard is one thing, the whole look and discomfort of some of the articles is just bananas.